


Trust Is A 4-Letter Word

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Inspired by Real Events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 15:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12510580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Rae has a hard time keeping her crushes separate from her friendships, so what happens when her biggest crush meets her best friend?





	Trust Is A 4-Letter Word

Before I could even fully register what my Comm Tech teacher had just said—that we would each be pairing up for a short film assignment—Finn was already throwing one of his arms around my shoulders.

“Partners?” he said.

“Fine, alright, just get off me,” I replied, pushing him away.

“Come on, now, Rae,” he added as he folded his hands on his desk. “Have you learned nothing from our lessons?”

A few weeks ago, Finn had decided to start giving me hugging lessons, because I was apparently so bad at it. I couldn’t help it; I just froze up every time he hugged me.

The truth was, I sort of had a major crush on him. But he didn’t know that. The only person who knew about it was my best friend, Chloe.

“Well, is he good-looking?” Chloe had asked me back when I first told her I had a crush on a guy in my Comm Tech class.

“On a scale from one to ten, he’s an eleven,” I’d said wistfully.

“Can I meet him?”

“Errr…”

I didn’t really want Chloe to meet him. The only thing that got me through most days of having this stupid crush was the thought that he might actually like me back, and that would just be gone out the window if he met my skinnier, prettier best friend.

“Rae,” said Finn, smacking his hand down on the table. “Are you deaf?”

“What?” I asked. I’d apparently been lost in thought.

“Have you got an idea for this short film, or what?”

“Oh, er, maybe,” I said. “I mean, I have a couple concepts floating around that we could possibly use.”

“I’ll do whatever you want,” he said with a smile, and I nearly melted into a puddle right in the middle of the classroom.

See, I’d had crushes on boys before. Mostly celebrities, actors, pop stars, about whom I would fantasize all the time. But my fantasies about Finn just felt so much more _visceral_. I had a need deep within me. (He was the reason I took up the hobby of pleasuring myself on a nightly basis.)

Every time he touched me—even an accidental bump on the arm—I felt like I would explode. Which was a problem, because he was a very tactile person, so he was always hugging me and stuff. At first I thought it might mean that he liked me, but then I saw him act the same way with his best mate, Archie.

“Jesus Christ, Rae,” he said when he hugged me goodbye after school. “Relax your shoulders, remember?”

“Sorry,” I muttered past his head.

“Ugh, we’ll work on it next time,” he added as he let go. “See you tomorrow.”

“Not if I see you first,” I replied jokingly. I watched him walk away and sighed longingly.

Well, I knew what I’d be doing tonight…

***

“How’re things going between you and Finn, then?” Chloe asked me, lying on her bed as I sat on the floor of her room next to it.

I hugged the cushion I was holding closer. “Fine,” I said. “We’re friends.”

“Is that really all it is?”

“I’d like it to be more, obviously,” I added, twisting the cushion’s fringe between my fingers. “I mean, I want him to go down on me for so long he has to evolve gills.”

She laughed. “Maybe you should tell him that.”

I sat up to look at her. “I’m not doing that!”

“I could tell him for you…” she teased.

“You wouldn’t!”

“Well, I am going to meet him this weekend at the film shoot, aren’t I?”

“I’m regretting ever asking you to star in it, to be honest.”

“Relax, I won’t say anything to him,” she said.

“Promise?”

“You can trust me, Rae.”

***

As Chloe and I approached the picnic bench in the park where Finn was sitting, I was surprised to see him there alone.

“Where’s Archie?” I asked him when we got there.

“Something came up and he couldn’t make it today,” he said.

“Well, you could have texted to let me know the shoot was cancelled,” I said irritably.

“It’s not cancelled.”

“But we’re missing one of the stars.”

“I can do it,” he said, standing up so he was eye level with me.

“What, you’re gonna star in the film?” I asked.

“That I am,” he replied. He looked over at Chloe standing slightly behind me and added, “I suppose this is my co-star.”

“Chloe,” she said, leaning forward so she could reach around me to shake his hand.

“Finn,” he said with a smile.

“It’s so good to finally meet you, Finn,” she continued. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Really?” He looked at me curiously.

“She’s joking,” I said. I set down the school’s tripod and camera I was carrying under my arm. “Let’s just get set up, alright?”

***

I was starting to regret my choices for the film’s direction.

I’d made it a wordless, three-minute rom-com that ended with the two leads walking off together, holding hands. We had to shoot that part several times, and each time I felt more and more sick to my stomach.

Finn and Chloe hit it off right away. They were talking and laughing with each other while I was busy setting up the camera angles.

“D’you think the ending’s alright, Rae?” Finn asked when he and Chloe came up to me while I was adjusting the white balance on the camera.

“What d’you mean?” I replied.

“I just mean, holding hands and walking off into the sunset is a bit boring, right?” he said.

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon; there’s no sunset,” I said.

“Right, but it’s still boring, isn’t it?”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I’m saying what if my character does something else, right? Like what if he puts his hand on her back, like this,” he said as he put his hand on Chloe’s back. “And she leans against him… Come on, Chlo, work with me here.”

“Oh, er, sure,” said Chloe, leaning into his side.

“Right, and so they’re walking away, like this,” he continued, trailing his hand down her back. “And then, in the very last second… He grabs her like this!”

“Oi!” she exclaimed when he grabbed her bum. She pushed him away, but was laughing like she thought it was funny.

He was laughing like he thought it was funny, too.

I, however, was not laughing. “We’re not doing that,” I said seriously.

“Oh, come on, it were only a joke,” he said. “We can still do it your way, if you like.”

“What I’d like is to get home as soon as possible,” I said. “So can we wrap this up, please?”

“Sure thing, boss.” He looked at Chloe and nodded his head to indicate that they should get back into position for the scene.

I watched as she held onto his hand before they were even on their marks.

I knew I should never have let them meet.

***

Finn hugged both of us goodbye at the end of the shooting day before heading home.

“Well,” Chloe said as I finished packing up the equipment. “I can see why you like him.”

“Oh?” I replied curtly.

“Yeah, he’s really funny; we had such a good time,” she said. “And you were right, he’s defo an eleven.”

“Great,” I said. “Maybe the two of you can run off together and he can grab your ass some more.”

“Come on, Rae, that was pretty funny. It’s not like I fancy him or anything. I know he’s yours.”

“He’s hardly _mine_.”

“Don’t worry, Rae,” she said. “I know you like him, so I’m not even gonna go there.”

***

“Raeeeee,” Finn said, doing a drumroll on my back when he came up behind me as I rested my head on the desk before class started.

“What?” I said, in a bit of a mood.

“I finished editing together our film,” he said as he sat down next to me. “Wanna see it?”

I lifted my head wearily. “Fine.”

He got his laptop out of his bag and set it in the middle of both our desks to show me the video. It actually turned out better than I was expecting, considering the footage we got, and how the co-stars kept goofing around on set.

I couldn’t help but notice something as I was watching, though. “You two make a cute couple,” I said pensively.

“Er, thanks, I guess,” he said.

“You look like you go together.”

He laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean? How do people look like they go together?”

“I just mean, you know, some people have such disparate levels of attractiveness that you can’t possibly imagine them falling for each other.”

“Okay, sure,” he said, though he looked like he had no idea what I was talking about.

“Chloe thought you were funny, anyway,” I added, trying to gauge how he felt about her. It was one thing for Chloe to tell me she didn’t fancy him; it was another for him to not fancy her.

“That’s good, I s’pose,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Well, I mean, it’s a positive attribute to have, right?”

“Do you, er, like her, though?”

“She’s alright,” he said, and then frowned. “Did she think I disliked her or something?”

“No, she said the two of you had a good time,” I said, trying to hide the fact that inside I was dying a little.

“Alright,” he said, closing his laptop. “Cool.”

***

The three of us started hanging out all together more often. We’d go to the cinema as a trio, or go to the pub together with some of our other respective friends. It was no longer my friendship with Chloe and my friendship with Finn; we were now a _friend group_.

Things were going well, all things considered. We even kept hanging out during the next term, when Finn and I no longer had a class together.

And then something happened.

Finn got a girlfriend.

It wasn’t surprising, really. In fact, he was so fit, it was more of a surprise that he hadn’t had, like, twenty girlfriends since the time I’d met him at the beginning of the school year.

My crush on him, however, waned. It seemed it was fueled by the faintest possibility that he might like me back, so when that appeared a hundred percent impossible, I lost interest. It was nice, really; we could just be mates without me freaking out every time he patted me on the shoulder.

“You sure you don’t feel _anything_ for him anymore?” Chloe asked me when I told her about this change of heart.

“Just, you know, friendship, that’s all,” I said.

“Well, I think that’s healthy,” she said. “No point in pining over someone who’s taken, now, is there?”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I’m so over it.”

And then something happened.

***

“I’m sorry about what happened,” I said in as sympathetic a manner as I could muster.

I was sitting with Finn in the pub, waiting for the others to get there, trying to console him over his recent breakup by patting his back.

“It’s no big deal,” he said, hunched forward and propping up his head with his fist resignedly. “We weren’t right for each other.”

“Still, it’s gotta suck, right?”

“That it does, Rae.” He laughed a little. “Thanks for bringing it up.”

“Oh, god, sorry! I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” he said. “Thanks. For real. You’re a good friend.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” I said with a nod.

He sat up and reached his arms around me for a hug. I tried my best to keep my shoulders relaxed, like he had taught me, but I tensed up involuntarily. The feeling of him holding me, the smell of his shirt, it all just made me realize something: I so wasn’t over it.

***

As it turned out, I had merely been suppressing my feelings for Finn while he had a girlfriend, but as soon as that was over, they came spilling out again. I did my best to contain them, though. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Chloe.

I went on pretending I was over my crush; it was just too embarrassing to admit the truth. I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner, and I didn’t want Chloe to think of me that way, too.

Weeks went by, and things were the same. The trio was still the trio; the gang was still the gang. Finn was still my friend.

I just had the weight of a huge secret on my chest, that was all.

“Alright, Rae, it’s your turn,” Chloe said, turning to face me.

I looked around nervously at the other girls in Chloe’s bedroom—we were having a sleepover, though I didn’t know most of them very well. Chloe held up the jar towards me and I pulled out a slip of paper.

We were playing a variant of truth or dare, where all the questions and dares were written down on slips of paper and chosen at random. I didn’t really think it was fair that I couldn’t choose between a truth or a dare, considering that was the name of the game. (I’d always preferred dares because I hated telling near-strangers secrets about me.)

“Who is your biggest crush right now?” I read aloud. “I, er, I don’t really know. I haven’t thought about it much,” I lied.

“Yeah, right, Rae,” said Chloe. “You’ve always got a crush on someone. So tell us, who is it?”

“Fine… It’s—It’s Harry Styles!” I said, since he was the first person I could think of that might be plausible.

“Harry Styles?” she asked skeptically.

“Yep, major crushing going on there,” I replied as I crumpled the paper in my hand. “Okay, who’s next?”

“I am,” she replied, picking a slip out of the jar. She cleared her throat before reading it. “What was your most recent sexual experience?”

Some of the girls tittered in anticipation.

“Well, not to give too many details,” she began, throwing her hair back over her shoulder, “but a couple weeks ago I had a bit of a thing with Finn.”

“You what?” I said incredulously.

“I’m not saying we did _everything_ ,” she continued. “But, I mean, we did _stuff_.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt like I was going to be sick. “I—I need fresh air,” I said as I attempted standing, though it felt like my legs were going to give out beneath me at any moment.

I staggered out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the back garden where I sat on a bench and just tried to breathe.

“Rae?” Chloe said when she came out after me a couple minutes later. “Is something wrong?”

“How could you do that?” I said as I held onto my stomach.

“What do you mean?”

“How could you hook up with Finn when you knew that I liked him?”

“You said you were over him ages ago,” she said.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been lying to you!” I said. “But it shouldn’t have mattered, anyway. I liked him first!”

“But you didn’t do anything about it.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“I dunno, tell him?” she said, like it should have been obvious.

“It’s not that simple, is it?” I replied. “It’s not like I can just go up to a boy I like and tell him that, as if he’s gonna like me back!”

“Why not?”

“Look at me. Boys don’t like me the way they like you, do they?”

“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not my fault, is it?”

“I trusted you,” I said, letting my head hang forward.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she insisted.

I took a deep breath in before standing up again. “You know what, Chloe? You’re a really shit friend, sometimes,” I said to before gliding past her so I could leave. I couldn’t stay friends with someone who would do such a thing.

I was done. With both of them. Chloe and Finn, they could have each other.

***

My efforts at avoiding both Chloe and Finn had been fruitful, for the most part, until one day he showed up at my house unannounced.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe with my arms folded.

“You haven’t been answering my messages,” he said with his head lowered. He glanced up at me. “I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“I’m fine.”

“Did you and Chloe have a fight or something?” he asked.

“What makes you say that?” I said, picking at a bit of chipped paint on the doorframe next to me.

“Well, she told me you haven’t been speaking to her, either. Did we do something to annoy you?”

“Frankly, yeah, you did.”

He frowned as if what I said pained him a little. “What’d we do?” he asked. “What’d _I_ do?”

“What did you do?” I said. “You fucked my best friend, that’s what you did!”

“What?”

“I know about you and Chloe.”

He lowered his head again and took a moment before speaking. “That were just a bit of foolin’ around, y’know? It weren’t serious,” he said. “It wasn’t a big deal.”

“Yeah, well, I think sleeping with someone should be a big deal,” I said angrily.

“We didn’t—I was drunk, Rae, and it wasn’t even—It didn’t mean anything,” he said. “And I don’t know why you’re so upset by it.”

“Why her?”

“Huh?”

I fought back the sting of tears behind my eyes. “Why’d you choose her?”

“I—I didn’t _choose_ her. She was just there. And she seemed interested at the time. And I was drunk, remember?”

“You’ve been drunk with me before,” I pointed out. “And nothing ever happened. So clearly you chose her over me.”

“Rae, you flinch every time I come near you,” he said. “You tense up whenever I hug you.”

“So?”

“So why would I try to do anything else? Why would I want to face that kind of rejection from you?”

“But I wouldn’t have rejected you.” That answer appeared to surprise him.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” he said. “I thought you just saw us as one of your mates.”

“I couldn’t just tell you, though, could I?” I said. “Why would _I_ want to face that kind of rejection from you?

His brow creased with concern. “Who says I’d have rejected you?”

“It’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

“What’s obvious?”

“It’s not as though we look like we go together. Not like you and Chloe do.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s true, though!” I said loudly, dropping my arms to my sides in frustration. “I mean, you’re like the _king of sexiness_ , and I’m—”

“You’re what, Rae?”

“I’m a blob. A blob with a gob.”

He scoffed and shook his head. “Well, personally, I think you’re incredibly sexy,” he said, looking down at the doormat.

“You what?” I asked, bewildered.

He looked back up at me, only he was smiling now. “Rae, you are sexy as _fuck_.”

“I—I don’t—I mean—I—What?”

“It’s true.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t care if you don’t believe me, it’s still true,” he said. “But more importantly, I think you’re awesome and I like being with you.”

I was silent for a moment as I tried to process everything he told me.

“D’you reckon you’ll be able to forgive me, some day?” he asked.

“What for?”

“For drunkenly fooling around with your best friend even though you’re the one I actually want.” He dropped his head again. “When I say it out loud, I really sound like a dick, don’t I?”

“Kind of,” I replied, though his self-deprecation made me chuckle a little.

“Look, Rae, if I’d thought I had any chance with you, I’d never have done it. I know that’s a lame excuse, and I just shouldn’t have done it in the first place if it didn’t mean anything, but it was a mistake, and I’m sorry, alright?”

“I suppose…”

“Look, I’d better get going now,” he said with an apologetic smile. “But can we talk some more tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’d like that.”

He nodded and started to turn around to leave.

“Wait,” I added, reaching out and grabbing his elbow to stop him. Without a second thought, I threw my arms around him. It was the first time I’d ever hugged him instead of the other way around.

“Wow,” he said with his head nestled against my shoulder. “You’re getting better at this.”

“Yeah, well, I had a good teacher,” I joked.

He squeezed me extra tight for a second before letting go. “I’ll see you later, Rae.”

“Not if I see you first.”

***

“Why’d you want to meet out here?” said Chloe as we sat on the picnic bench in the park a few days later.

“I thought it would be a good neutral place to talk,” I said. “See, I wanted—I wanted to apologize for what I said to you, about you being a shit friend and that. I was angry at myself and I took it out on you.”

“No, I’m sorry, Rae,” she said. “I should have known doing that would hurt you, but I wasn’t thinking. It’s not even like I fancied him, really. We were just drunk and stupid.”

“It’s alright, I’m over it,” I said.

“Are you really?”

“Well, I will be. In time,” I added. “I just want us to be friends again, Chloe.”

“You know, I’d love that,” she said. She smiled and pulled me in for a sideways hug. “So how are things with you and Finn, then? He’d said something about you ignoring his messages before.”

“Oh, we’re fine,” I said coyly.

“That’s good,” she replied with a nod. “So, do you want to come ‘round mine tonight and watch a film or something?” she added.

“Sorry, I can’t,” I told her. “I’ve got a date.”


End file.
